Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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