who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
