he puts the penis in happiness.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
