The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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