I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
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Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
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If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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