That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
