So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
