Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
