I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
