Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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