The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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