I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize