she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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