In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
