I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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