remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
