I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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