It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
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I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
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I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.