I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
