you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
