I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
