Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
