I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
