oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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