So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
