loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
