i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
