I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
