someone threw a dead crab at me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
