you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
