my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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