So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
