Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
