French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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