Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Terrible idea I love it
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
