Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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