I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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