A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
