All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
