half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
is wine microwaveable?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
