some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
