my phone needs a breathalizer
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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