broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
