Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
