My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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