my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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