I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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