As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
