Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
