He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
