Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
