his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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