The maid of honor just puked.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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