It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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