Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
