...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
