ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
