My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
