We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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