My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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