If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
