why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
